I forgot I deleted all the scary things from this blog… As you can see there isn’t much left of it now.
An entire chunk of my life is missing from this blog and that makes me sad., though I am happy I don’t have to look at those posts anymore. They were scary and brought feelings back that are not welcome now.
One day I’ll write them all out, all the disgusting things I’ve done just so I could pretend I was loved.
It’s hard growing up in a family like this and it’s even harder when your past is so blurry. I don’t want to remember the men I forced myself to sleep with, I don’t want to remember the shame I felt in daycare, I don’t want to remember my child hood anymore. I just want to think about how far I’ve come and how proud my 12 year old self would be if she saw me now.
I have a long way to go but right now I’m content and it feels amazing.
Ugh, sad to say I’m still so mad. Just wish you would tell me what makes her different. Can’t even have you on my damn dashboard. But that’s what I get for giving up my “virginity” to a lying asshole. I know I’m naive but I’m just realizing the extent of my naivety. To think that you actually cared about me is hilarious. You do that with everyone. I should have listened to all those people telling me you weren’t genuine. Just so I could save myself from this fucking pain in my chest… my ribs just burn with anger.
I don’t want approval from my father. That is not what I am looking for.
There are people that I do want approval from in place of my father… I knew that I could not get his approval so I replaced his duty as a father.
At least two people I know of that I can tell you right now I want there approval as much as I should want my own fathers. That is not a possibility though, seeing as these people are my same age.
Finally got to feel that high with someone again since Eric. Sadly he is married and has 2 young kids.
Thought it would go great, never felt that way in a long time but then he started to keep to himself. It was a week without hearing from him and it turns out he had been thinking a lot about what this could do to his family. Said we would see each other again soon and that he wouldn’t leave me hanging for another week again.
It’s been a week since that last message… So I deleted all his information and all the messages he’s sent me.
Really wished it would have worked out, my heart hasn’t tingled like that before. My body has never responded to someones touch like that before.
Wish I had been born 22 years earlier… Maybe I could have gotten to him first.
I have noticed that I am not interested in having any sexual encounters with anyone anymore. Non of it, I don’t even want to see it on my dash because it makes me sick.
Can you believe that? What a dramatic change in the last few months. Obviously it has to do with the fact that I forced myself into all of the submissive, harmful and disgusting situations with old men. I can’t believe I did that to myself and I wish to god I could just erase all the vivid memories from my brain and just keep the lessons that I learned from it all.
The only nudity I want to see on my dash is independent women showing how beautiful their bodies can be no matter what size, color, shape or age. I just want to start healing and continue feeling powerful enough to live on my own and not needing to lean on anyone else.
I am a woman I am strong I am brave and I love myself and that is all that could ever matter in this world.
My phase has ended I think. It was something that was good to explore and helped me understand what I want in life.
This blog will now be less graphic and more comforting. That in no way will effect the level of sexuality in my blog. But it will be the amount of sexuality that I currently feel comfortable with.
Surprisingly my level of comfort when it comes to very explicit sex has decreased tremendously. I have stopped feeling the need to have a man lay next to me at night. I feel so very content being by myself. I get to focus on me and my cat. I joined a gym and exercise 5 days a week. My job is amazing and fascinating. It helps me not think about my past problems and focus on the fact that everyone else has lives too. Other people in the world have family problems and mine are almost insignificant compared to others.
So far I am so happy right now, I love my cat and I love who I currently am and the attitude I wake up with everyday. Exercising is now my favorite time of the day, it is THE best stress reliever I’ve ever experienced. I don’t drink alcohol anymore, not even a little. I can only remember the way it makes me feel when i wake up and how unnecessary it is to have a good time. I think my feelings for alcohol have something to do with the fact that I had to drink so much in order to have sex with older men. Maybe in time I will get over it and enjoy alcohol in moderation.
All I know right now is that I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me and what else I will learn about myself. I am also excited about the places I will go, my love for travel is very strong and I know I will find myself outside of the US soon.
I am also thinking of joining the Peace Corps once I get in good shape. I am also in the process of starting my first year of college this fall. Very excited and so happy to be in the state I am currently in.
